Hermione's Baby
by HyperSpazzng
Summary: Who's the father?


On a dark, stormy night, in the depths of the Gryfindor tower, a young witch was working on her homework. She was just getting done with her Charms and beginning to work on transfiguration when she though, '_I really wish these damn fanfiction writers would give me some other hobbies besides homework. It seems to be like an excuse for them to get me to do something besides sitting and staring at the walls… homework homework homework! At least Ron gets Chess…'_

She was drifting off in thoughts and different ways to put a stop to the injustice of fanfiction when she felt a sharp pain in her stomach. '_Oh great_,' she thought, looking down at her stomach, which she had craftily managed to hide for the past nine months. Don't ask me how. '_It's coming._'

Grabbing 17 books, Hermione (or Heroine, according to my spell check) wobbled down to the hospital wing at full speed. She looked like a fat little know-it-all with a dead tree on her head, but somehow was also very graceful and beautiful.

"I'm having a baby! Help me! Ahhhh!" At this point Hermione paused to read a snippet from a new book she bought. "HELP ME!"

Madam Pomfrey came out at this point, tisking Hermione. "You're the third one this week," she mumbled under her breath. Hermione, breathing hard, responded, "I don't care how many new babies Hogwarts has, just get this thing out of me!" Madam Pomfrey rolled her eyes, but minutes later Hermione was lying in a hospital bed.

As she pushed, Ron ran in to hold Hermione's hand. "It's okay, Darling. I know this is hard, but just think… we're gonna have a kid!"

Hermione gave him a strange look, but kept pushing. She couldn't talk, being to preoccupied with stupid fanfiction writers that make her go through such terrible things. Or maybe it was the fact that she was having a baby.

At that moment, the doors flew open and everyone turned to look at Harry. "HERMIONE! I'm so proud! After 9 long months of waiting, our little one is finally here!"

Ron looked at Harry with a scowl, saying, "Hermione is having MY baby!"

Harry's mouth dropped. Literally. After he picked it back up, he yelled, "You beeeeep, this child is MINE!"

The two continued their argument until they were rolling on the floor, beating the crap out of each other. After a while a voice was heard…

"Hermione, you promised protection!" Harry and Ron looked up to see Neville standing over them, staring at Hermione. "AHHHHH!"

"Her-mo-ninny, vwat are these people doing? I do not think that zay are zetting a very good example for our child!"

Everyone looked around, very confused. Krum walked up to Hermione and straked her hair. Ron and Harry looked at eachother, nodded, and pointed their wands at Krum.

"Avada Ka-"

At about that point Dumbledore and Cornelius Fudge walked in, munching on popcorn. "We decided we'd come watch my child being born for a while," said Dumbledore, popping some grub into his mouth.

"What do you mean _your _child?!?" asked Fudge, Glaring at Dumbledore. "It's MINE!"

"Mine!"

"Mine!"

"Mine!"

"Mine!"

"Mine!"

"Shut UP!" Screamed Hermione, face soaked with sweat, "This child belongs to me and…"

Before she could finish… "I can't wait to see my precious child's little face," said Klaus, Violet and Sunny following behind.

…"Who are you?"

"Opps, Sorry. Wrong story."

"MWAHAHAHAHA!!!" Everyone turned at the sound of… Voldemort! Voldie walked up to Hermione and put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "It's okay dear, our child will be beautiful, healthy, and follow in my footsteps… to work in the fish cannery!"

Suddenly sunlight beamed through the roof, down from which Merlin appeared, booming, "I heard my child was being born and came to check it out. Anyone have popcorn?"

Everyone gave Merlin a strange look, and then got back to their argument…

"Mine!"

"Mine!"

"Mine!"

"Squeak"

The guys all turned around to look at Scabbars. They were silent for a few seconds…

"That's just wrong."

And so they continued to beat eachother up while Madam Pomfrey simply watched, not making the slightest movement to stop them… cuz I don't feel like making her.

"Everyone look! The baby's here! It's a girl!" shouted the gleeful Hermione. Nobody took any notice, except for a muffled shout of. "You stay out of this!"

Hermione looked down at her little girl, shrugging and slowly rocking her to sleep.


End file.
